39. Letters from inside the story.

Dear Heather,

I’m sorry. I’ve been cheating on you. I know it’s too late for apologies and I know there is nothing I can say to make you come back to me. You shouldn’t. You need to be with a great guy who can take care of you and be loyal. I’m not that guy. I love you more than anything in the world. I’d give up anything for you. But that doesn’t change the fact that I cheated. I just want you to know that I’m sorry and I never wanted you to find out.

I don’t know why I did it. Why does a guy give up the girl he loves for some cheap, dirty fling? When he knows he’s going to regret it. When it tears at his heart to look at your smiling face afterwords. And it does. Every time I cheated on you I woke up the next morning and just cried. Cried and prayed to god that you’d never find out, because I love you and I never wanted to lose you.

If it makes any difference to you, I left her. Actually I left her sitting alone in the middle of a field. I never want to see her again, and after what I did to her, she’ll never want to see me. She isn’t all that hot or anything. She’s kind of plain looking. Her hair is always pulled back and it stretches out her forehead. It’s just that she was there.

It was innocent at first. You never wanted to go to my friends parties. God knows I’d asked you. It’s like, if you would’ve been there, none of this would have happened in the first place. But no, you had to study or wake up early or something. This party was in this rundown house in the middle of downtown. I wouldn’t be surprised if it was condemned. We where all smoking pot and this girl sat down next to me. It was all innocent, I even told her about you! She told me about this guy she’d been dating since high-school. She said she’d never been with anyone else. He didn’t know she was here. Everything was happing all at once and we where sitting on this old couch that smelled like a dumpster, and she kissed me.

The next time I went to a party she was there again. I talked about you and she did it again. She kissed me. I tried to push her off. I was upset about last time. I told her and she pushed me down. She just pushed me the fuck down like I was some sort of rag doll and got on top of me. She started kissing my neck and pulling up my shirt. I tried to stop her, but she said if I resisted she’d scratch me so you’d know. See I didn’t have a choice, she basically raped me. I wouldn’t have done it otherwise.

Why didn’t I tell you? Who the fuck is going to believe me? My friends didn’t and they watched her do it! I just wanted it to be over and to be with you again. And we were, we were so happy together. Sure we had a couple of fights, but everyone does.

And then, I dunno. We fought about something or another as I was leaving for a party. I dunno, I was just pissed off. I didn’t care what happened. At the party I smoked like two bowls. I was just smoking and bitching and this fucking girl shows up again. She was upstairs the whole time I was down there and she must’ve heard me talking about you because she comes down and tells me to dump you. And I was like no, I love her. And she was just like then why’d you fuck me?

Fuck, I don’t know. I don’t know why I do half the stupid shit I do. And so we started fucking, like every weekend. It became, I dunno, almost normal, as crazy as that sounds. It’s like I had my perfect sweet beautiful girl all week long, and then friday night I had this nasty dirty whore. The kind of girl that goes ass to mouth while my friends cheer us on. It was exotic. And the whole time I knew I could just leave and come back to my perfect girl. The girl I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.

If I could do it all over again, I don’t know what I’d do. I hate myself for losing you. I really do love you. With all my heart I love you. I’d buy you the moon if it would make everything better. But I know it won’t. You’ll never come back to me and you shouldn’t. I wouldn’t if I were you. For whatever it’s worth, there’s a scar on my heart. Losing you was the biggest mistake I could’ve made, I’ll always love you.

©Chris Richards 2009